Shock!

So when was the last time you were in a situation that actually motivated you to call yourself a “chutiya”? (Roughly translated to dickhead)

The other day I was trotting about the house in my usual tumultuous ways, as is common to bored blokes with a lot of sugar clotting their blood, when my eyes fell upon a piece of paper. It was neatly folded, characteristic of an official letter, more so of the most dreaded of them all. Bill.

It had BSNL etched on it and from the moment I laid my eyes upon in, my heart started to beat faster. And the blood circulation cut short (if you get my drift). I inched closer, slowly, thus creating a pseudo slow-motion moment with my arms extended and longing to tear that seal and get over with it.

Oh, I was no fool (or fu as my brothers from the ghetto would like calling it). I knew very well that the bill was going to be quite a handsome sum, which would make its way to the hardworking people in the PSU: BSNL. I gulped couple of imaginary snot balls down my throat before unleashing the demon upon me.

And then I did it. I was enlightened.

It wasn’t a demon.

IT WAS SATAN HIMSELF.

From then onwards I was convinced that the number of the beast wasn’t 666 and was indeed the number that I had my eyes transfixed on: 9850.60 (The devil deserves accuracy up to two decimal places as well). 9850.60, approximately 10K bucks! How does one get that? How is that even possible? Seriously, it makes for excellent conversation material. I mean who wouldn’t take notice of a guy who blew up 10K on his phone bill.

Surely there had to be a miscalculation. Surely! It just seemed like such a travesty considering that we’re a struggling third world nation (errm…lets suppose we are, it’s my blog, ergo, I get to make the assumptions). Where was the god-damn concession? As I were to realize after heavy scrutinizing of the bill on numerous occasions and from various angles, the kind folks at BSNL did cut down on a lot of money before kindly passing on the bill to our household.

The real blow was to come once I saw the break-up stats. It wasn’t the phone bill exactly that sky-rocketed the bill. The phone bill didn’t even cause a collateral damage (It was responsible for about one tenth of the entire bill). It was the Internet. The underdogs, the whore, the vamp, give it whatever name you want to. I felt mugged and raped if not both. 7000 bucks! Who does that? That’s ludicrous! Can you keep a straight face while publicly telling people that you spent seven grand on internet without breaking into a guffaw(even more so lest you end up farting simultaneously). How does one achieve that? Then the memories exploded. 150 videos on Youtube, constant Orkutting, endless Wiki-ing, tireless browsing, updates, blogs, more blogs. Science, Business, Tech, Movies, Filth Diaries, more business. Never log out of the Gtalk, so much so that people started to doubt whether I had exchanged my real identity for a virtual one and was leading a life on the web. BSNL had given me 2500 free MB of upload/download limit, plus free usage during 2-8 AM( which they called Happy Hours, clichéd yet true), which came to around 3000 MB. Despite all these goodies I used another 8K MB (obviously during the day) which cost me around 7K dosh, thus accounting for a lion’s share of the humongous amount.

I had trouble meeting my father’s eye that night. I thought I’d get a lecture from the folks about how I’ve lost the focus in life and they might even speculate "moaning Danish pornstars" to be somehow involved in this affair. They might go on about how when they were my age there was no such distraction to occupy their time and hence they are where they are today and I am 90 Kilos. Instead, Dad was quite bemused to see his son stare at his toes with ardent interest as though it was the most interesting thing in the vicinity. Clearly he hadn’t seen the bill. But that day would come too…and pretty soon.